Log in

29 August 2012 @ 07:57 am
I haven't written in this in a while.

I haven't really written in it at all. Law school is happening, my grades suck but they'll get better, I didn't get kicked out, yadda yadda.

Despite all the drama, Jennifer was the closest friend I've had in a while. I did a lot for her, probably more than any friend would do, but it didn't feel like a burden most of the time. Stepping back had helped a lot. And I have a tendency to mother people, apparently. I think it's because I'm bossy.

She was my best friend. We've only known each other for a year but we had this instant connection. We're not that much alike, but we got along supremely well. She had been thought a lot of shit, dragged me through some of it, but it was just a different sort of life that I didn't know about. I'm sheltered. I know about shit, but I'm in this law school bubble and then gaming bubble and then another bubble. Bubbles everywhere.

Jennifer died this past weekend. For some unknown reason, she was on her way back from Galveston (or some place, no one KNOWS) and her car stalled on an overpass. She had her hazard lights on. An intoxicated driver hit her from the rear and she died. Before the ambulance got there. With her new puppy, Xena. Just... gone.

My mind can't quite grasp it. It's like, I go to the part where it's clear that I will never hear from her again. Not another call, text, facebook message... and then my brain just kind of slides away from it. I THOUGHT HER DAD WAS JOKING WHEN HE TOLD ME.

And then after the conversation ended... the conversation was a blur. Shock? I went over to my roommates room, knocked on her door, said "Jennifer's dad..." and I couldn't stop the wailing.

Last time I cried that hard was when Soosh broke my heart.

Silly me, that's not heartbreak. This is heartbreak.

I wail when I cry. I can't control it. Big hiccuping sobs, almost hyperventilation. That's why I hate crying. It's this uncontrollable thing I can't control and I hate that. I was a big crybaby when I was younger, I hated it. Sometime between high school and college I learned to shut that part off. Probably around the time my grandmother died. It's easier being happy, especially when buying nail polish, doing nails, eating food and playing online games makes you happy. Thank God I have internet to immerse myself into. I go to school, sit through class, type whatever shit the professor is saying, and then come home. I eat something and play League of Legend for hours. Then when everyone else has gone to bed, I sit on the computer until my eyes burn and my head starts to hurt but I still can't sleep.

And it's only been 3 days. Time heals, right?

People ask me how I'm doing, I say I'm fine, because I am. There are just random bursts when I can't control myself. Earlier someone outside made a whooping/yelling noise and it startled me, but I was like, oh whatever. My roommate bursts into my room to make sure I'm okay. This is amazing for 3 reasons: 1) our rooms aren't that close together and 2) the whooping yell was from my side of the apartment 3) she was half asleep. When my roommate falls asleep, she's really asleep, cannot wake her. She's been hit hard by Jennifer's passing because we were all friends.

I'm not good at the emotional/huggy stuff. And now hugging is a dangerous thing because it starts these tears that are perpetually hiding behind my eyes, burning and built up. Tears can stay there. I don't need them to come out.

I hate that the last conversation I had with Jennifer was a disagreement, an argument. Talking to a couple other people that she called that Saturday, it seems like she was in the mood to argue with people.

Is that why she didn't call me? To take her to Galveston? Is it because her phone battery was dying? I should have bought her a car charger. I've taken her to Galveston before. Spontaneously. I could have taken her, her car wouldn't have stalled and she'd still be here to hear my stupid shitty corny jokes. Hear me moon over my latest crush, ooh and ahh over my latest manicure, eat the food I cook her, let me listen to her talk and rant and laugh.

Her name is still on my facebook chat sidebar. Facebook mobile messenger. My roommate told me that Jennifer shows up for her, too, and sometimes if you glance really quickly, it looks like Jennifer is online. Ta da, it's all a joke, she's there. No, she won't ever be there again.

I'm not the first person to lose someone unexpectedly. I'm not even sure how this is going to effect my life. Is it going to? Am I going to be able to cut this part off?

Jennifer is getting cremated Thursday, her viewing before that is Thursday morning. I'm going to be there. I don't know what I'll end up doing. I might just stare at her and do nothing. I might end up embarrassing myself. There won't be many people there. Just family, couple of friends.

Saturday is her funeral.

JT: hope / wattsdraperyfalls on August 29th, 2012 01:10 pm (UTC)
Wow I am so sorry <3
Minminminminminnie on August 29th, 2012 09:12 pm (UTC)
thank you <3
Blah Blah Blahshweetnettie13 on August 29th, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry.

Grieving is so hard because even though there's no right way to do it, we always feel we're doing it wrong. I'm not crying enough vs. I'm crying too much. I need to talk about it vs. I don't want to talk to anyone.

The important thing to remember is that whatever you're feeling is completely and 100% legitimate. Cry when you need to cry and allow yourself to be happy when you can be. There should be absolutely no guilt for whatever you are or are not feeling.

It will take time to adjust to this new life that's now got one fewer person in it. How it will affect your life now is yet to be revealed, but let your emotions do what they need to do and you'll be alright.

Minminminminminnie on August 29th, 2012 09:13 pm (UTC)
This advice... I read it this morning when I woke up, but it's really helped me a lot. Thank you so much <3
j o y c e: ameliejust_j0yce on September 5th, 2012 03:30 am (UTC)
Sorry, Min, this is so horrible. :-(